Thought it was about time i stuck my head around the blog door with an update!

Things are still going ok for me, still doing the cleaning jobs which keeps me occupied 6 days a week, so today (sunday) is my day of rest, well, catch up with my own housework and laundry etc, not much rest really but i need to try and rest up a little as i have got a problem with my legs same as i had last year cleaning, my right leg is very swollen and painful and my left knee is playing up, i guess it is just through being on my feet all day, plus i am cycling about 8 miles a day at the mo as i don't have a car, but i should really get to the doctor and get it checked out - when i get the time..

I am still hopeful of taking on a community support worker role with the organisation that has supported me through my addiction, i met with the manager about a week ago and they are still keen to take me on, it is just dependent on finances, however they have their annual audit due in the next couple of weeks, so hopefully i will have something a bit more concrete then - this will be the icing on the cake for me to be able to take this on, i have also expressed that i would have an intetrest in becoming like a school liason person, going into local schools and giving talks on drug and alcohol awareness etc which was received well - fingers crossed i will get some good news in the next couple of weeks!

My sister now has her daughter back permanently and all is going really well there, her son for now has opted to stay with dad so they are a split family which is not what she wanted, but for now while the waters are running calm things will have to stay as they are, sis has also taken a part time job for the first time in about 12 years which is fantastic and has givne her confidence that little boost that it needed. Yes she still struggles and life is not at all straight forward or easy for her at times, but compared to this time last year it is an incredible turn around and i am so very proud of her.

My using ex tony is currently in jail, it was only a matter of time really before all his petty theft/shoplifting crimes caught up with him and to be honest, the way his life was going, it has probably saved his life by going inside, i think he only has about 4 mnths to do anyway, hardly the end of the world, i have had a few letters from him, but it is hard for me to write back without giving him false hope that we will get back together, as no matter how many times i tell him it won't happen he still holds out the hope that we will, i really don't know why we have stayed in touch since we split up over 4 years ago now, especially as he is the person that was at the root of my picking up and this hidious battle i know have for the rest of my life, it's not healthy at all really is it..

Anyway, back to shipwrecked on the tv and the ironing now for me, then hopefully a quick whizz up the road to the supermarket as i have a ridiculous addiction for strawberry cheesecake at the moment and need to get stocked up!

..or so the saying goes, so here's hoping, cos today, i hit the big 40!!!

I have been away from me blog for awhile again, ot because i have spiralled out of control though, i have just been busy and things are starting to turn around bit by bit!  Firstly i have started work again, nothing heart stopping, just cleaning, infact i'm doing 2 cleaning jobs back to back at the mo which is pretty tiring to say the least, but i was asked back to my holiday home cleaning job for the 3rd year running on the same day i started an evening job at one of the local schools!  it is preferable to be busy though to sitting on my butt 24/7 as i have done for the past few months, just wishing my life away!  Best news of all though is, that hopefully in the pipeline is THE job i have wanted since forever, to be a community support worker in the field of drugs and alcohol!  If this comes off it will actually be with the charitable organisation that employs my support worker!  I have got involved with a user support group forum over the past few months and i have been recognised as having the potential to be a support worker, i certainly have the life experience for it! plus this is what i went back to college to study for a couple of years back, so i have the basic qualifications for it too... i don't want to get my hopes up too much, just incase it doesn't happen, but i have been told by the manager that it is in the pipeline, it's just a case of when as there isn't an actual vacancy as such at the mo - fingers crossed and watch this space!  I so deserve this break i really do, i have worked really hard to maintain my recovery these past few months and it hasn;t been easy at times, my financial situation is still pretty dire and at the root of all my bad days and derpressions, but, as long as i can keep on just doing what i'm doing i know it will come right in the end, I have just made my final payment this month on one of my bigger debts that i have been paying off over the past few years, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel on that front at long last.

Best news ever is my sister is getting her kids back!!  Finally at long last social sevices came to their senses and admitted that they has been a little heavy handed...  she is trying to maintain shared parental responsibility with their father though, as she quite rightly thinks he should continue to be a proper parent after all the years he hasn;t bothered, but already he is off loading them onto her more and more now that he knows that he can, whichi s naughty, but to be expected, he never was much use, so no reason why he would change now..

Time to scoff the rest of my birthday cake, have a glass of wine and then tuck into that HUGE tray of ferrero rocher on my coffee table ..!

Have put the phone op thing on the back burner for awhile, although the money wasn't too bad, it is hard work thinking on your feet hour after hour and i took it too personally being hung up on! Anyway, i'm tackling this from another angle later this week and going to start as a webcam op, nothing pervy, it's non adult content, just sitting and chatting online, yes, it is flirty chat, but not the filth iwas contending with on the phone, it also pays a nearly 3 times as much and is a flat rate as opposed to tiered rates on the phones where you are constantly trying to stretch the call, first past 3 mins, then 7 mins. I have spoken to a few girls that are doing the webcam work and they all say it is much easier and better paid than being on the phones, the only thing is that obviously you can be seen so could possibly be recognised and also, you can't sit there in your skanky trackie bottoms with your hair scraped back in a pony tail! - I manage to get a good webcam off Ebay for £7, so if it falls flat on it's face, it hasn't cost me the earth and i've wanted a webcam for yonks anyway.  Regardless, i need to start earning again and soon, my financial situation is dire, even had to sell my car last week to catch up on my rent arrears and there is no way i want to be without a car indefinitly and nor do i want to become homeless...

Doing ok with the not using, apart from boxing day, i've done ok, so a pat on the back for me!  I know i'm not out of the woods yet, it's hard, really hard, but if i want my life back again i know i have to stick with it.

Had some dreadful news yeserday that a friend of mine had died, an even bigger shock was that it was from a heroin overdose, i always knew him as a coke user and a drinker, but never the gear, he used to lecture me about it and he lost a close friend to it a few years back... I'm not sure what happened for him to pick it up, i do remember him calling me and asking me to get him some about a year or so ago cos he wanted to try it but i refused point blank, no way would i ever give that shit to a friend, especially one that i knew wasn't a user - someone must have given it him though and by god am i ever glad it wasn't me that got him that first bag.. it's such a bloody shame, he was a great guy, mad as a hatter mind you! i first met him about 20 years ago through the local bikers etc that we used to hang out with, his nickname was Ming, cos he looked like Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon!  R.I.P buddy x

More shock news, last weekend my best mate had a mini stroke which has shook her rigid, she's younger than me too, only 34 and a single parent, needless to say she has sat down and re-evaluated her life - you just never know what is around that corner do you...?

OK, time to watch the Baby Borrowers now - i'm loving this programme!

..there's bloody EASTER EGGS in the shops already!  and i don't mean titchy little creme eggs, i mean thumping great big ones - the world really has gone totally insane...

I finally got the call to start the PSO job end of last week and lets just say that it was an experience!  I'm not one bit prudish or narrow minded, but some of the calls i got were unbeleivable! I won't go into too much detail, but if i was to say that my calls ranged from dressing as a leather clad nun to being spanked with a leather bound bible, i think you'll get the general gist of things!!!  boy have i learnt a thing or two...  I haven't actually logged in for the past couple of days, i went down with that hideous projectile vomiting bug over the weekend and just couldn't face it, some of the calls i got were vomit inducing in themself, and if i'm being totally honest, i think i'm going to find it too much like hard work - i'll see how i feel this weekend then probably give it one last shot though before totally abandoning it, as it is actually quite good fun in some ways, you just need to be able to detactch yourself slightly from some of the more extreme fetish calls and just let it go over your head a little.  I do however need to get back into proper gainful employment now though, and fast, i feel ready for it now and i have had enuogh of this living hand to mouth existence, i knew when i came out of treatment early that going straight back into paid employment would be a bad idea, as having disposable income around me could have taken me straight down the wrong path again very quickly, so being out of work for this period of time, although hard, has been done for a reason, i am hoping that although i am still finding it tough day to day with cravings etc, that getting back into a 9-5 routine will seal the deal, also, i have got behind with my rent and have had to sell my car which is a bit of a heartbreaker, but, i need a roof over my head more than i need 4 wheels at this moment in time, so sensibility prevailed, i couldn't afford to get it back on the road anyway and there will always be another car somewhere along the way.. c'est la vie...  I am hopeful that an opportunity might arise to work for the same organisation that my support worker works for at some stage, it's a charitable organisation that assists a variety of people with various needs in the community, some relating to drugs and alcohol, some not, but generally givng them support/advice with their general day to day stuff if they are struggling to cope with things, things such as ensuring the dreaded brown envelopes are opened and the bills are paid, help arranging debt cosolidation through correct channels such as CAB, checking benefits eligibility, housing etc - it is meant to be mainly in an advisory capacity, not a do it all for you service, and i found it to be a huge help a few months back when i couldn't face opening envelopes etc.. now thanks to my support worker everything is all in order, my council tax arrears are being paid back and no more bailiffs banging at my door!  I definitely have a pasionto undertake this type of work, it is what i started working towards when i went back to college a coule of years ago, so, although i have deviated from the path a little, it would be fantastic to get back on track again and as many addicts in recovery say, 'give something back'. It would also gove me the opportunity to go back to college and complete my course and possibly undertake other relevant training, qualifications etc - exciting!  I have reached the point now whereby i know that getting back to work is an integral part of maintaining my recovery and kick starting my self esteem - bring it on!

Happy New Year!

I have just about recovered from the New years Eve hangover from hell! now i remember why it is i don't usually drink...!  It was a fairly uneventful New Years Eve, i went into town with one of my sisters and we wound up at one of the late night disco/bar type of things, which was actually ok, i bumped into an ex that i haven't seen for several years, no flames re-kindled on my behalf though although i give him his due, he tried his best!  I vaguely remember tottering up the road home at the end of the night in the rain and woke up, passed out still fully clothed on the sofa in the morning!  I cannot beleive how expensive pubs are!!!  My sister and i were both drinking wine - £3 a glass WTF, last time i bought a glass of wine in a pub it was around £1.70 - shows how often i go out boozing doesn't it...  I don't think i could afford to go out on the razz even if i wanted to, grumble, grump!

The christmas tree has just been dismantled and launched at top speed back through the loft hatch for another year, it always leaves a huge gaping empty space in your lounge when it comes down doesn't it... I re-arranged my lounge as well at the same time i put the tree up this year and now i'm not 100% sure i like it, but no way am i moving everything back, it took me all day un-wiring the surround sound etc and then re-wiring it all back in, i can't stand cables trailing everywhere - i guess i'll get used to it, maybe i'll buy another plant or something, that should do it.

Still no word on this PSO job, i'm now certain my application must have got lost in the post as they still say they haven't received it.. i'll call again on friday and if still no sign of it, request another one, i desperately need to start this job asap in the absence of anything else, i just paid the rent today and i'm left with £17 to last me 2 weeks - hardly ideal, especially as i have an electric meter in my flat - no credit on meter = no electric and now there appears to be another bitterly cold spell upon us there aint no way i want to be left with no heating, even though they are crappy storage heaters, they're still (just about) better than nothing.

Nothing else of any great excitement to add at the mo, i'm just really going to try pull out all the stops to have a clean and serene year this year with no cock ups, i might even be brave enough to see about getting me a man as well at some stage (no rush!), i can't be on my own forever and the further behind me i can all this drug shit, the better i will start to feel about myself and that i have something to offer, then just perhaps, somebody might be willing to give me a chance and not see me as high risk - which i know in some respects i am, and i respect that,  nobody in their right mind really wants a junkie girlfriend, no matter how good she can cook and iron shirts!

2am - bed time! X

I ended up back in town yesterday afternoon to pick a couple more bits up and get this - i got frisked by the law when i left New Look!!!! WTF - I was mortified and the embarrassment was beyond belief - I only went in to buy a pair of novelty socks and as i left and started walking up the street i heard a someone shouting out 'oi you, stop' of course i carried on walking, never in a million years did i think it was me being apprehended, but it was... I was taken to one side, told there was reason to beleive i had taken something without paying, asked to produce a receipt for the goods i had purchased and then asked to turn out my pockets.  Apparently one of the shop assistants saw me put something into one of my pockets and alerted security - yes she had quite rightly seen me put something into one of my pockets, my bloody gloves!  This whole debarcle took nearly 20 minutes, in the middle of my local town centre with hundreds of people milling around, all staring at me, i know the police have got their job to do, but it was a bit lame to say the least.  This is the store that i had my purse stolen from in the changing rooms a couple of years back, i think it's about time they got bloody CCTV in there! 

So much for me going into town to listen to the chrismassy music and lift my spirits... i felt awful by the time i got back home, and i couldn't get back quick enough.

Needless to say i avoided going into any shops when i went through town this afternoon.  Today i feel really low, i'll be really glad to just get the next week out of the way and start the new year and i think this year i will break with my usual tradition and actually go out New Years eve, i don't know where or with who, but i want to draw a line under the past 12 months and get my shit together.  I've done some soul searching the past few days and if i'm being brutally honest with myself i am sick of my own company now and ready for another relationship, i'll probably regret it, but, i've been on my own nearly 18 months now and it's been a long lonely road, i'm 40 in March, time for new beginnings and i want the next 12 months to be filled with good times and happy memories, but above all else, i want someone to create these good times and happy memories with, a bit of a tall order really seing as i don't do anything or go anywhere to meet anyone! Maybe i'll meet someone New Year..??  Mind you meeting someone pissed out of their head down the local pub isn't really what i'm looking for, i don't want a boozer in my life, or a junkie either, just a nice guy without stacks of emotional baggage, and most importantly, someone that will accept me for who i am, not who i was...  I hate all that 'getting to know you' stuff as well, learning to trust again, how honest are you and how soon..?? If i think about it too much, i know i won't do it, just tie myself up in knots over it all, then slink back into my dark world of singledom again.  I'm a typical Piscean when it comes to relationships, a bit of a romantic dreamer i guess, but i love all that knight in shining armour stuff, someone coming to sweep me off my feet and i'd love to be part of a 'happily ever after' - wouldn't we all...  My sister i went out with a couple of weeks back might be up for a night out, she popped round this afternoon and mentioned maybe going out sometime in the next couple of weeks, it wouldn't really be wise to go trundling off into to town by myself on new years eve, hell bent on seeing the back of this year and welcoming in the next and i'd most likely get all maudlin and depressed and wind up back home in tears feeling sorry for myself by 10pm!  New Years eve to me is a time when couples, people in love,  hold hands and huddle together on a cold night, listen to the chimes together and look forward to making their plans for the coming year - time suspended briefly while those 12 chimes ring out, no worries, just happy smiling faces, full of hope and anticipation - dream on, maybe one day, there's no harm in having a dream is there...