Thought i'd look back over my entry around christmas time last year to see where i was with things then and there's no entry there, infact, since i started this in December 2004, there have been no entries around christmas time.. which is quite possibly significant i think, of how much i dislike this time of year.. it just always makes me feel so sad...
Today i went up town and finished my christmas present shopping, i struggled deciding on gifts for mum and dad this year, usually they are the first gifts bought, but this year i just couldn't think of anything, however, i did eventually have a wave of inspiration surge through me, and ended up buying them a joint present - solar powered garden lights... Totally inspired i thought, at the time, now though i'm thinking perhaps maybe not.. too late to change my mind, no way am i stalking through crowds of harrassed shoppers tomorrow and all said and done, i think it will actually be an okay gift. My mum and dad have a garden to be proud of, it's like something out of a magazine, years of blood sweat and tears have gone into it and they don't have any solar lights out there - yet!
I'm still waiting to hear back on this PSO (phone sex op) job, i've sent everything back and waded through the 100 page training manual, all i need to do now is pass the test and i'm up and running - I need this to work out, my finances are dire, no matter how much i try, i just cannot make ends meet, so to speak. I left a message for them this afternoon, so perhaps i'll geta call monday... it would be great to be able to start up over the christmas/new year period as i'm sure there will be good business to be had, lots of bored men off work! My mate has just called me and as i thought, she would be interested in doing this as well, so once i get a couple of weeks under my belt i will introduce her and bag a £50 introduction bonus in the process!
That's pretty much it for now, i need to attempt an early night tonight cos i'm shattered, too many late nights surfing!
Saturday night.... big bowl of chocolate cake with extra thick double cream, a glass of Baileys and X Factor final on the telly, there's nothing like living life in the fast lane...! Saturday night is also my 'using' night.. i've managed to justify and make it right, some people like to relax with a beer on saturday night, i like a bag of gear - it doesn't really matter how i dress it up, it still sounds lowlife, dirty and depraived... But it's just one night i can just melt my worries away for a few hours and pretend that my life is okay, i'm totally stressed about this money that was in my purse that got lifted, there is no way i can replace it and rent day is now starting to tick ever nearer yet again and i'll have to trot out yet another lame excuse to my landlady as to why it is late, or not in full, yet again... every night i've gone to bed and literally prayed for a frigging miracle to happen, as yet, nothing, but i haven't given up hope yet. I did apply for a loan to see me through, but with my credit rating the only loans available to me had outrageous APR terms and while i may be a bit daft from time to time, i aint downright stupid, so i ripped the acceptance forms up and threw them out before i had a moment of weakness and signed then returned them, right now it feels liek the end of the world, but come end of January, if i had some hidious repayment to make, i know i will be glad i didn't accept it.
Just over a week until christmas, deep joy... I'm not a chrismassy person, i wish i were, i have tried. I feel so envious of people that walk around with big festive smiles, making plans with friends and family, partying and general merriment, buying pressies for their kids and talking about santa in hushed whispers. Every year i have felt embarrassingly jealous of my sisters with their kids, making cards with them, putting up decorations and watching them in their nativity plays. Things are a little different this year, 2 of my 3 sisters will be apart from their kids this christmas and i feel for them, i know how i feel not having had any, but having them and not being with them must be heartbreaking and i know this is a dreadfulthing to say but perhaps they might understand a little now why it is that i pull away from them at christmas, i just find it so painful and i know they feel awkward around me with their kids, it's just easier for me not to be there. Last year was great, for the firt time ever my family respected my wished to just leave me be to have a day by myself and it was great, yes of course a little lonely, but no pretence, no false smiles, much easier. This year for the sae of my sister i will spend christmas eve with her so i'm not worrying about her drinking herself into some hidious stupor and doing something stupid, then we will go to mum and dads for dinner, i was then planning to go home by myself for the evening, but will most likely spend the night with my sister again for the same reasons, as i know she is going to find it really tough being on her own, she does have the kids coming to her boxing day though, so hopefully that is what will keep her focused and get her through the day, then i can go crawl back under my bah humbug stone and cross the day off for another 365 days and yet again hope that the next one might be better... it might be, who knows..?
The lottery appears to have bypassed me yet again this week, situation normal! I guess i 'll get back to the telly now for some more X Factor and see who has won this year!
I would like to say lots of ups and downs over the past week, but unfortunately no ups, only downs...
The online job that i started appears to be slightly on the dodgy side so i have had to terminate it which is a bit of a blow, but better than having my door beaten down by heavies confiscating my pc when i naively wind up in the middle of a potential money laundering scam... So i went back to square one on the money making front and stumbled across something that i nearly took up a couple of years ago, hold your breathe, working as a telephone chat operator - why not..? i'm not getting any sex, so might as well talk about it! There are a lot of dubious compannies out there doing this, but when i looked at this a couple of years back i did my research as best you can, and i think this company are okay, so as long as i don't loose my bottle i'll give it a go, heck it beats staring at the tv half the night cos i can't sleep!
Dragged the christmas tree out on sunday. I'm dreadfully anal about my tree decorations, so it wasn't a 5 minute job, more like 3 hours, but it looks lovely twinkling away in the corner of my lounge! I did infact shuffle my entire lounge around over the weekend as well, god knows why, just got sick of it being the way it was, not as sick as i was with it all half way through when everything was piled up in the middle of the room and out in the hallway - the entire new layout was soley dictated by the length of the cable that goes from my tv to the stereo for the surround sound - madness!
And now the major bummer, i have finally stopped crying - i have either lost, or had stolen my purse.... and yes there was cash in it - a lot - £280 to be exact.... £200 was towards my very overdue rent and the other £80 was to make a dent in the christmas pressie shopping... i have absolutely no way what so ever of replacing any of this money, the odd £80 was money saved from selling a few bits online over the past couple of weeks, the only way i could think of to get a few quid together. I'm pretty sure i couldn't have lost it, which means some theiving scumbag has lifted it from my bag while i was in town this afternoon jostling among the crowds... happy bloody christmas...
Yep, cupboard girl had a night on the town last night - unheard of! In fact the last time i went out was just before christmas last year - sad! It was all a bit last minute, one of my sisters called me and i thought why not... It started off pants, very quiet, not many people about so we had a couple of drinks and decided to call it a night and came back to mine, however, 2 bottles of champagne and a serious trip down memory lane with the CD collection and we were raring to go again and hit the town at full force about 11:30pm! and it was rocking! we went into a late night disco/bar type of thing and boogoed all night long - i iwouldn;t want to do this on a regular basis, my hangover this morning was enough to put me off for another year, but i did have a good time and it made a pleasant change to vegging out infront of X factor!
Second bit of news is that i have found some gainful employment on line, i don't think it is a dodgy scam, i get paid monthly into my paypal account so i guess time will tell... It's a bit bizarre what i'm doing, sort of proof reading for a russian online dating company, they email letters to me that they want to send out and i go into them amend all the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors and send them back - a bit boring, but easy enough and it pays fairly well $5 per 1kb processed and i processed 4kb in about an hour, so that's not a bad rate of pay, they reckon they have enough workl for me to be earning around $750 - $800 per month - here's hoping!
Other than that, just the usual boring daily bollocks, my rent is due tomorrow and i don't have it all which aint good, i have applied to the DSS for a budgeting loan for £250 and i'm keeping my fingers, toes and everything else crossed that i get it, i gave what i consider to be good enough reasons for needing it, so i'm hopeful, if not, i'm in the shit basically... hey ho, such is life..
Feeling very out of sorts the past couple of days, nothing i can put my finger on other than worried sick about how the hell i'm going to pay my rent next week... I have finally come to terms with the fact that i have to sell my car, so have advertised it, so far no takers, other than a scammer offering me a third party cheque payment via western union money transfer - great! I don't really want to sell it, but it's under a SORN declaration off road as i can;t afford to tax it and MOT runs out in december, so it's a wind up having it sit there and not be able to use it, i also know that i'm practically giving it away without a 12 month MOT and tax on it, but i just don't have the money right now, someone will get a bargain that's for sure.
Went to the solicitor with my sis on monday to and get some contact arrangements agreed with her kids as her ex is being a total arse, it went quite well and hopefully the court case will be held within the next 6 weeks. Her ex of course was fuming when he received a letter about it the next day, but it has to be done this way as he constantly lets her down and makes excuses to keep them away from her, all the meetings that have been set up to agree something verbally and mutually with mediation he has failed to attend, so hopefully he has shot himself in the foot slightly as her solicitor says he is showing himself to be childish, immature and irresponsible - fingers crossed all goes well, he says he will fight her all the way, but i'm optimistic it will have a favourable outcome.
That's pretty much it, i'm bored witless not working at the moment, it's really getting me down, every day seems to just merge endlessly into the next, perhaps i need to consider some voluntary work or something, some paid work would be even better though, being constantly skint is becoming unberable, i even had to blag a crisis loan from the DSS yesterday as i had just £2 emergency credit left on my electric meter - mega depressing.. I guess this is all just a temporary state of affairs, it bloody better be!
After being assurred that my script was defintiely in the pharmacy i went down to collect it late morning and yes, it was there, but only enough for today, nothing for the weekend... usually i pick up for saturday and sunday on a friday as the pharmacy i use isn't open over the weekend. So i go back to the agency again to be informed nothing they can do as there is no one to sign off any scripts until tuesday.. by now i'm bloody fuming, one day there is something there the next day nothing, you can't take this stuff on and off it needs to be taken regualrly everyday, it's a bloody joke and i can't keep feeling to anxious to take it one day incase there is nothing there for me the next day, i hate feeling unwell constantly adjusting then re-adjusting to this medication as it goes up and down or disappears all together for a few days, so interspersing it with using, it aint good and not what my intentions were and i've spent money on gear i don't have to spend again.
Okay, it's just gone 4pm and this has now just been resolved, they are getting a GP in the local practice to write something up for me and it should be ready for me to collect end of the day, it still isn't really good enough though as i have lost heart a little and the enthusiasm i had 2 weeks ago when all this was set up has all but disappeared, i know i can get it back, but it takes time with me - tomorrow is another day i suppose..
Changing the subject completely, i had a lovely phonecall from my sister last night, thanking me for all my support recently and that i had been a rock for her and really helped her stay positive and be able to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and best of all, her ex that has the kids, called her to say he would be bringing them to see her at the weekend! All the phone calls i had harrassed her into making had been worthwhile, he had a call informing him that he was not allowed to withold the kids from her and to ressume regular contact immediately - best news ever! I am still going with her to the solicitor on monday just to get some advice anyway, but hopefully from here onwards things will start to get a little bit more bearable for her and less of a fruitless uphill struggle, here's hoping!
My script is still not sorted out... It was supposed to be ready yesterday, but it's not ready until this afternoon, infact i'll be calling the agency shortly to see if it has been dropped into the pharmacy yet and yeah, i'm pissed off about it.
I managed to lock myself out of my flat night before last which ws a pretty dumb thing to do Luckily there are workmen across the road from me at the moment so i managed to get a ladder from them first thing in the morning and got in through a window that thankfully on this one occasion, doesn't close properly - ironically i do have a spare key, but the person that has it was away overnight - i won't be making that mistake again!
Had lots of chats with my sister the past few days, the consequences of her actions through drink have finally hit home at last and the realisation that possibly she might not get her kids back for quite some time is now very raw, her ex is being very difficult about access, not denying her access, but making it almost impossible for her to see them so it has to go through legal channels now, i'm going with her to see a solicitor next monday to see what can be done, she is also ready to accept my advice of getting onto a recognised alcohol programme as well and being voluntarily urine screened, it's down to her to see this through but if she doesn't she won't have a leg to stand on when all this goes to court, she's had about 5 suicide attempts over the past 4 months, all while in drink, so if she is stand any chance at all of seeing them, let alone getting them back, she has got to do this now, she is also contemplating rehab, but i think one step at a time for now is progress, just getting her out of the house is a major step forward, she has a long road ahead of her and one hell of a battle as her ex's family are fairly affluent and will pull every stunt they can just to spite her, my sister had a screaming match with his mother a few days ago, all because she has now made it totally clear that there will not ever be any hope of them ever getting back together, why the hell should she keep putting up with his vile demands on her, there is no love between them and he just manipulates her because he knows she is deseprate to see the kids, very childish and cruel behaviour, especially seeing as he never even saw his daughter for 3 years at one point.... Hopefully a solicitor will sort something out and i can be used as a mediator, it won't happen overnight unfortunately and it's going to be a very tough christmas for her, but she's like me, now that she knows what she has got to do she'll come out fighting to the bitter end.
Just phoned the agency about my script and it's still not been done... it's 3:30pm and i've got nothing in there for today, this is total bollocks now and i'm losing heart with the whole bloody thing... i've been really good and not used anything so i can get back on track and wallop, they fuck me up, again - same old excuse we're too busy, under staffed etc This script was agreed last friday, promised to me for yesterday and still isn't done today - i know i'm not the only person that they deal with, 'nor am i super important or a priority, but, you'd think they could get something organised that was put into progress last friday... I will use tonight now, i've had 2 nights of just a couple of hours sleep, sweating and feeling shit and i'm not prepared to do it again tonight, not when i know i don't have to.
I spied a rather yummy looking Baileys cheesecake in my local supermarket the other day, think i'll go treat myself to one of them and really enjoy my sulk!
That's about it for today i guess, oblivion here i come.
