The parasite The parasite My parasite is asleep. It hibernates now. I wish I could reach inside and rip it out, along with the decay it created. But to do so would would mean to die. The parasite is lodged in my brain. My parasite is a strange creature. I don't know what it looks like but I have witnessed what it does. Some of it I can't remember. Maybe that's a good thing. Many have suffered through my creature's existence as it reached out from me and into the lives of others. My parasite protects me. When it was awake, it made me a very cunning and manipulative person. I became a liar, cheat and thief. It's sole purpose is to destroy. It is very intelligent - it chooses not to end my life until everything and everyone I love has been destroyed first. Even then, it may let me live. But I might not know my name or what year it is any more. My parasite fooled me. I thought it liberated me and allowed me to be whatever I wanted. It did, but only in my own mind. And then it took that away too. It whispered to me that it was my friend, and then laughed in my face. It took away all my problems; then returned to me one thousand fold. My parasite likes to play games. It used to make my body shake and sweat uncontrollably. It produced images and sounds that weren't there. It gave me sensations of things crawling under my skin. My parasite thought making my internal organs quiver involuntarily was very amusing. It made me play with razors, knives, ropes and guns. But it wouldn't allow me to play that game to the end. That was too easy and would have destroyed it in the process. There was more fun to be had. My parasite was the puppet master. I was the puppet. My parasite was lazy. It didn't want me to learn anything or go to work. I tried many times to do so, but then it would beckon me to do other things. These things were more important. These things fueled it, nourished it. Who was I to say no? If I didn't listen it would run around in my mind, yelling and screaming until I gave in. My parasite really liked people. Especially gentle, trusting souls. They were an easy target. In the end, all it gave me was oblivion -for increasingly shorter periods. Pain made sure of that. But my parasite slipped up. It allowed me to make a telephone call. Now my parasite sleeps. Occasionally it will stir to remind me it is still there. It makes wild promises, but I know better now. Other people who carry this creature told me all its little tricks. It is patient, it will wait. The next time it may not  let me cry for help. But I learned it can only awaken if I allow it to. It's totally up to me. Shhh...be very quiet....tread carefully.... I'll tell you its name, but I'll have to whisper. My parasite is named "Addiction" .... heard of it

25.7.05 13:14 Permalink / 2 Comments / comment

The Demon The Demon is a poem i wrote for my (ex) boyfriend a couple of years ago when he was in jail, it was his first (and only) time there and he was both very unwell and very scared, it was his chronic drug abuse that took him there and for as much as he hated it, at the time it saved his life as he most likely had only a week or two left to live when he was sent there and admitted onto the hospital wing. In rehabilitation programmes you will be informed that your addiction can and will take you 3 places, jails, institutions and death, not necessarily in that order, but you'll visit at least one of those places as you go through the process of addiction to recovery. This writing is called The Demon as that is what he calls his addiction and there is a twist of irony to this poem as well for many reasons, at the time I was not a user of heroin but I had just discovered the ‘joy’ of ecstasy and cocaine, again all thanks to said (ex) boyfriend introducing me to it and me being daft enough to try it – somehow he read between the lines of the poem that I too was screwing up, so he put it in an envelope and sent it straight back to me – a warning to be careful. And boy was I screwing up, I was screwing up big time, I lived for the weekends until eventually I lost my job, I blew the best part of a £15k divorce settlement, my weight plummeted dangerously to little over 7 stone, my hair started falling out and I became ill, very ill, I contracted pleurisy and nearly died – but you never take your own advice do you and now I have the same demon as him – heroin.. It is drugs that ripped our relationship apart, so much so that we can never be together ever again – and it hurts every minute of every day, as I will never in my life love anyone, as I loved him, but maybe it wasn’t real, maybe it was just another ‘chemical high’ – maybe we were just addicted to each other…     You say you have a demonfficeffice" /> And that he takes you to the floor You know he’s always waiting Doing press ups at your door   He’s a mean and nasty character Your worst nightmares come true And once you look him in the eye He casts his spell on you   He preys upon the lonely And he prowls around the weak He doesn’t care who you are And he knows just where to seek   And then that demon changes He’s not so ugly anymore He’s a beautiful seductress I think you know the score   I have my demon too He’s never far away And I find it very tempting When he says ‘Come out to play’   He tells me that it’s sunny When I know the sky is black And if I dare to look him in the eye He’s straight upon my back   He promises me a heaven But really it is hell And he knows he can reduce me to A hollow empty shell   So you see you’re not alone We all have our demon too It’s knowing how to tackle him Before he tackles you   Please put him in his box babe And throw away the key The choice you have is simple now                              It’s your demon or it’s me…

5.1.05 23:13 Permalink / 3 Comments / comment