Dear Mum, Dad,ffice
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I don’t write letters very often and this isn’t an easy one to write, so I’ll get straight to it - don’t panic though.
I have gone away for a while, to be more specific, I have booked myself into a rehab, I don’t know whether this comes as a surprise to you or not, probably, but it is something that I desperately need to do, infact probably should have done a while ago, but me being me I thought I could put a lid on things and stay in control, but I was wrong, very wrong and I am now gripped in an addiction that I need to address and fast.
I’m sorry that I haven’t told you in person, but I was scared of your reaction and just couldn’t face it for many reasons, mainly though because the shame and guilt that I feel is just beyond measure and I couldn’t bear to see the look of disappointment on your faces and to feel rejected as I already feel totally worthless, but also because I didn’t want to be subjected to a barrage of questions and run the risk of any cross words being spoken before I leave, that would not have done any good on either side, having to take myself off somewhere strange and unfamiliar for a couple of months is hard enough without having harsh words rattling through my head as well, so it will also give you both time to think about how you deal with this and also with me next time we see each other, please understand that telling your parents you’re a lousy drug addict is just about the worst thing imaginable, not something I ever envisaged having to do, but in all honesty I don’t think there is anything that you could have said that might possibly make me feel any worse about myself than I already do anyway.This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, asking for help of any kind does not come easy to me, but if I want a life I have to do it, I have tried so hard to deal with this by myself for so long now, too long really in my attempt to keep it under wraps, but I just keep failing and in the process making myself very unwell, desperately unhappy and increasingly lonely, I feel a failure and a fake and I do not like the person that I have allowed myself to become, thankfully though I have now been given an opportunity to set this right and put myself back together properly and start again.
Fortunately I haven’t lost everything, I haven’t let things get that bad, so I still have good foundations that I will be able to build on, my flat is secure for now and I have had the most incredible support from college, my tutor has been fantastic and my place there is also safe, I will be able to return once I have completed treatment and catch up with any work missed during the summer holidays.
Please don’t go looking to place blame for this anywhere else, I’m not, this has been my mistake and I alone am accountable for it, I should have been stronger and walked away, but I didn’t, I knew the risks but I didn’t listen and I’m not going to start digging around for feeble excuses to justify my actions, I have just been plain foolish, it’s as simple as that and you don’t need all the what, when, where and why of it all, what’s done is done, I can’t change that and when I’m finally out the other side of this, I don’t ever want to rake over it again, it has been a very painful, lonely experience that I would much rather forget and a tough lesson I have had to learn, but be assured that it has been learnt and rehab will give me the opportunity to finally draw a line under this sorry state of affairs that is currently my life and move on at long last, it will also give me the opportunity to deal with a lot of other unresolved issues that keep festering away within me as well, years of pain, hurt, anger and resentments that I keep bottling up, brushing aside and shrugging off, rather than face up to them, I block them out and I can’t do this any longer, I am just so fortunate that the people I did turn to for help have done just that, I have managed to get fast tracked where so many get either turned down or stuck on a never ending waiting list, but I guess they saw how desperate I am to make the changes that I both want and need to make, while I am still able to make them.I’m sure by now your imagination is running riot with horrific thoughts and images, for that I am truly sorry, it was not my intention to hurt anyone, nor let anyone down so badly, so I’ll leave it here for now, if you want any more information then Jan will perhaps be able to fill you in a little, she has been my rock, my angel, my saviour through this and I will be forever grateful to her for not passing judgement on me, just giving me a hug, love and support when I have needed it most, so please, go easy with her, it has been so hard for her respecting my wishes to keep this secret and worrying about me constantly day in day out, and also Kathy, she has also been a guiding light for me as well recently, constantly giving of her own time and relentlessly trying to steer me back on track and in the right direction until I was able to see for myself what I needed to do, because it had to be my decision to get help and me that made the call - she may have got it dreadfully wrong last time, but this time she has been an incredible help and supported me faultlessly and selflessly when my back has really been against the wall and I have had no one to turn to and nowhere to run, so this is where I stop running, I have done it all my life and tied myself up in knots tighter and tighter every time, because you cannot run from yourself can you.. I guess I always knew that, but still I did it anyway, carrying my ever-increasing weight of worries and anxieties with me, looking for answers that just aren’t there and seeking love and acceptance in all the wrong places, I’m not surprised really when I think about it that it has come to this.
I hope you understand why I have done this the way I have, but I felt that it was best all round and for now I must concentrate on me and what I want and need, not keep doing what I think people want me to do, or being a person I think people want me to be, somehow, somewhere along the line I lost track of who I am, or maybe I never really knew, I just don’t know anymore, but right now I am a very frightened, scared person, that much I do know, because if I can’t sort this out, I know exactly what is coming.
I hope also that you will be able to find it in yourselves to support me when I return, rehab is just the beginning of a very long journey still ahead of me, if not, then I will accept that and will respect whatever choices you need to make for you. I have left contact details with both Jan and Kathy and also some information that I hope will make it a little easier for you to try and understand just a little, but only if you want to and then only when you are ready, it is a lot take in, I understand that – I am so very sorry.
